How to approach rather than avoid endings
So there are a lot of endings through the year - end of term, end of school year, relationships with teachers end, groups are end, friendships end, people pass away - the list is… endless. And sometimes these endings can be worrying and unsettling, or even terribly difficult. What often makes this worse is that we are also terribly prone to avoiding thinking about endings. As the renowned psychoanalyst Isca Salzberger-Wittenberg said:
“In my professional and social encounters I am constantly impressed by the almost universal avoidance of facing endings.... usually met with the response that surely this is not the right time to think about it: it is felt to be either too early or too late to do so; in other words, thinking about it is to be avoided.”
With this in mind it seems that a good time to think about endings is actually right now. I have been involved in some endings that were pretty awful - and indeed, a relief - or just strange. Of course there can be good things too, but it is the negative feelings associated with endings that cause us to avoid thinking about them.
Endings are also really important to children and young people. As an example, in retrospect I really handled an ending badly for my daughter. When we decided to take her out of school we completely failed to deal with this huge ending. I was so wracked with fear about whether it was the right thing to do I could barely even speak in the two weeks leading up to her last day. My own fears stopped me helping my daughter to process hers and, unsurprisingly, the first few weeks after were tough. I know now she needed more help to express her feelings about the ending but I didn’t know then what I know now.
In school and in life endings happen all the time; the end of term, leaving primary school to go to secondary, friends and teachers leaving to go to new places, holidays coming to an end. Yet despite the normality of many endings they can still be so hard to face.
Parents, teachers and professionals in different settings have expressed to me the following fears about discussing endings with children and young people:
Not wanting the child/children to have their last days at school ‘spoiled’.
Not wanting to upset the child/young person.
Not being sure what the right thing to say is and worrying about saying tge wrong thing.
Concern a child won’t trust them anymore.
Not wanting to upset parents and carers.
In fact, if an ending is sprung on a child or on an adult without preparation the stress or pain caused can be worsened than if given time to think about it beforehand.
So why do we avoid endings? Both children and adults often fear that negative and strong emotions may indicate there is something wrong with us, or fear our emotions are too powerful for others to handle and therefore must be kept hidden. These fears can prevent us from talking - increasing the anxiety associated with endings. As Isca Salzberg-Wittenberg says:
“It is essential to give time and space to face and share the feelings of frustration, anger, despair, and loneliness to which endings give rise.”
So here are some approaches to take when an ending is coming up:
If possible, talk about endings right from the start or at the earliest opportunity. Make sure children know how long something will last. Visual supports such as charts, calendars and pictures are really useful here. Having the ending in mind means it will not come as such a shock when it actually happens.
If there is a chance that an ending may be sudden (I worked with a specialist setting where children could find out they were leaving with only a day's notice) let children know this from the start. Visuals and metaphors can help explain different types of endings, especially for younger children (a rocket for a sudden ending, a sunrise for a slow ending).
For children and young people especially, experiencing that an adult can handle their feelings calmly and sensitively can hugely reduce anxiety. Reassure children that all feelings are okay; they may be happy, angry, sad, feel numb or any other emotions that crop up.
Consider how a child may have experienced endings previously. Have they moved home a lot? What is their family experience? Do they have additional needs that make endings harder for them?
Mark endings, for example, with a ceremony or activity of some kind. These can be a chance to celebrate what has been learned. Having something to take away from the experience that is ending (photos, diary, gifts etc) can act as a bridge to the next step.
Model talking about feelings as this helps to normalise them. It’s okay and important to let a child know that, for example, you will miss them and are sad they are leaving. It’s okay to cry too - so long as we aren’t out of control of course (see below).
Make time to think about endings that have already happened but may still be on children’s minds. When my own children’s school closed it was a difficult time. I wanted to prevent another ending like the first time we left a school so I put aside some time each day - to check in and talk about the school closing if the kids wanted to. This enabled all of us to process it and that outlet may have helped them to enjoy the rest of their time less burdened.
It is essential that we as adults can tolerate children’s emotions about endings. The fears expressed above appear as much about the wish to avoid our own stress as the wish to avoid children’s stress. This of course is completely understandable, but ultimately can make things more difficult.
This raises an extremely important issue - we must ask ourselves what our own experiences of endings have been thus far. We all bring with us a history of endings that can be awakened sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously - even when faced with what seems like on the surface a completely innocuous event. Being aware of how we may react means we can plan ahead - if we know we will struggle with an ending we can talk about it with someone first so that we have done some of our own processing before sharing in the ending with our kids or children in our care.
Endings are never perfect. They always raise feelings. The aim is not to eliminate feelings but to think about them which helps us to process and understand things more easily. It may feel daunting but if we can resist the urge to avoid it can make things a whole lot easier in the long run.
For further reading I highly recommend the book 'Experiencing Endings and Beginnings' by Isca Salzberger-Wittenberg (2013).