Listening - so effective yet why so hard
Something I have learned from my own experience and when working with parents and professionals is that we know that listening is really important but even the loveliest people are often REALLY bad at it!
The number of times I have been listening to one of my kids thinking 'good grief please let us move on'. Then I try and make a suggestion because I'm frustrated or freaked out and they get more angry because I'm not listening.
We so often fall into the trap of going into problem solving mode or minimising e.g., 'don't worry about it'. Now I'm not saying these things are damaging all the time but why is it so hard to listen?
We feel anxious and stressed when our children are stressed and we can't sit with those feelings so we want the stress to go away. We therefore go into problem solving or dismissing mode.
We want to help and we perceive helping as getting rid of sadness, anger, worry etc.
So why is the alternative - listening - so much better and often the ONLY thing we need to do to make the situation better?
People need to feel heard before they can move on. Once we feel completely understood our stress levels decrease, our nervous system is calmed. Then we are more likely to be able to think, 'maybe there's something that could change here or be explored'.
We all need to rant and rave sometimes. Having someone listen and say 'yeah that sucks' is so helpful. Children are no different!
By simply calmly being with someone in their distress we are reassuring them their feelings and the situation are okay.
Expressing sadness, anger, worry is healing in itself. Often there is nothing more that needs to be done.
Often as we are listening, time is passing, the adrenaline is leaving their body, they are calming physiologically and everything is feeling easier all by itself.